Surrender- A new understanding

SURRENDER

 

 

This word has taken on new meaning in my life. As I look over the last few years I realize how difficult things have been for me. In every aspect of my life from the physical and emotional, to the relational, financial and mental...... each part of me has had to undergo a dramatic transformation to deal with and move on from the situations I have been faced with. It is no secret that my life is not what I would have expected it would be. Nor is it a surprise to anyone that I have struggled with this idea over the past few years as I have come to accept my new reality. In this however, I have also come to the realization that I am exactly where God wants and needs me to be. He has control and will take care of me in the process of getting me to the next step.

 

 

I have tried to lift my concerns to the Lord and ask for help but in true fashion I always take them back and think I can handle it on my own. The truth is that God does not work like that. We have to be willing and ready to surrender ourselves... our circumstances... our thoughts... our lives to Him in order for Him to really work in our lives and bless us the way He has planned. It is not in our timing but God's and that is often a hard concept to accept. My life circumstances are not what I would have chosen but as I look back I can see how I have been molded into a different person. God has been at work in my life even when I was not able to see Him and has been pouring blessings on me despite my lack of faith and unwillingness to look at those ways in which He was providing for me.

 

 

I feel God working to this day in my life and I am excited to see it come to fruition. What He has planned, only time will tell but I am excited to see the path He has made for me. I am not sure how long it will take but I am content to wait for I know it will be better than I would have ever dreamed.

 

 

I am ready to surrender my life to fully knowing Him.

What is normal?

I am definitely finding myself in a slump lately and cannot figure out why. If I had to guess I would say that I am processing past events and really starting to see my reality. Since becoming single again I have been focused on school and being a mom that I have barely had a chance to really think about my new normal. And it certainly looks different than what I would have thought.

In a few short months I will be graduating from grad school with a masters degree. This in itself is a miracle as I was never one to continue school beyond high school graduation. Gradually though I realized the importance and saw opportunities come my way and doors being opened. I am now ten weeks from completion of my final grad class and very much looking forward to what lies beyond.. or am I?

Many people in my situation would be planning on the next family vacation, the next baby they were going to have or the big celebratory party for accomplishments reached. Myself on the other hand will be alone to raise my daughter, looking for jobs to begin my new career and still waiting and wondering when my life is going to start. In 2001 when I said I do I thought that would be forever and I would be able to count on that forever however this is no longer my reality. I have been hiding my disappointment and hurt because it is easier. I stayed busy with school, work and my child that my pending future was but a distant thought.

I am not even sure what normal is anymore. Growing up I saw myself happily married, a few kids, a job and spending time with family and friends as a normal part of life. I no longer have that but I see so many people around me enjoying those things that I so longed for. Will they come for me? Maybe. But as I get older and the prospects are not showing up I am wondering if my plan has to change. I might not be able to have more kids. I might not be going on family vacations or romantic getaways. Instead I see the possibility of living through the stories of others who are able to enjoy those things that I had and then lost.

I am not sure if people know what they have until they lose it. I have heard this said before and I am thinking there is a lot of truth in it. Now as I struggle I try to find peace in God and His word.

I ask Him to guide my life.

If this is my new normal I ask Him to help me make sense of it and change my heart and my desires. This is certainly not what I had envisioned my life to be and I have a feeling with this new chapter of my life without school if my reality is about to come crashing in on me.

Who said it was going to be easy?

Let us go over to the other side.(Mark 4:35)

Even though we follow Christ's command, we should not expect to escape the storm. In this passage of Scripture, the disciples were obeying His command, yet they encountered the fiercest of storms and were in great danger of being drowned. In their distress, they cried out for Christ's assistance.

Christ may delay coming to us during our times of distress, but it is simply so our faith may be tested and strengthened. His purpose is also that our prayers will be more powerful, our desire for deliverance will be greater, and when deliverance finally comes we will appreciate it more fully.

Gently rebuking His disciples, Christ asked, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (v.40). In effect, He was saying, "Why didn't you face the storm victoriously and shout to the raging winds and rolling waves, 'You cannot harm us, for Christ, the mighty Savior, is on board'?"

Of course, it is much easier to trust God when the sun is shining than to trust Him when the storm is raging around us.

Yet we never know our level of genuine faith until it is tested in a fierce storm, and that is why our Savior is on board. If you are ever to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power" (Eph. 6:10), your strength will be born during a storm. (selected)

With Christ in my vessel,
I smile at the storm

Christ said, "Let us go over to the other side" - not "to the middle of the lake to be drowned." Daniel Crawford

Above taken from Streams in the Desert devotional, June 3

Why continually worry about things not yet here?

"God does not open paths for ue before we come to them, or provide help before help is needed. He does not remove obstacles out of our way before we reach them. Yet when we are at our point of need, God's hand is outstretched.

Many people forget this truth and continually worry about difficulties they envision in the future. They expect God to open and clear many miles of road before them, but He promises to do it step by step, only as their need arises. You must be in the floodwaters before you can claim God's promise. Many people dread death and are distressed that they do not have "dying grace". Of course, they will never have the grace for death when they are in good health. Why should they have it while in the midst of life's duties, with death still far away? Living grace is what is needed for life's work and calling, and then dying grace when it is time to die." J.R.M. (Streams in the Desert)

Why is it that we are so focused on the things that could go wrong in our lives? We miss out on so much in our lives when we are constantly putting ourselves into a state of fear. We need to focus on God, focus on the things that matter in life and take things one day at a time. "The more intimacy we have with Christ, the more He will bless us" - Pastor Peter Haas. God is on our side so what should we ever have to worry about?

Blessings!
Renee

God knows

We often wonder why God has us endure what seems to be the impossible situation. We also forget that God will see us through.

"God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else he would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than the person's strength, through God, to endure it" (from Streams in the Desert)

These are powerful words that caught me off guard. Too often people comment on how they do not know how I have made it through, they do not understand how I have stayed so strong, they do not know how they would have handled themselves in the same situation. For some reason God saw me fit to fight this seemingly uphill battle. God has thrown this life at me for some reason and I hope that through my experiences I can be a testament to others. I hope that God will reveal His ultimate plan to me. I know in His time I will see it but for now I can rest in the comfort that God always knew that I would be able to make it through this. Now I believe I can make it through anything.

Renee

"God likes when we sing in the car"

So my little and I had the deepest theological discussion I would ever imagine possible between myself and a 4 year old. We were going through some things in my room and found a wall hanging that is not hanging up yet..... It is a heart and in the center there hangs a cross, all made of nails. I explained to her the significance of it to me and what the cross stands for. She knew that the cross had something to do with Jesus but she was unsure what it was.

We talked for a long time about what it means to be a Christian and why we go to Church and read the Bible and about the love that God has for us. She knows that her mommy and daddy love her and I told her that God loves her even more than we do, so much that he sent His son, Jesus, to die on the cross to save us from the bad things we do. When we say we are sorry to God, He forgives us because He loves us so much.

She would sit and think about these words for a while. The most interesting part that she found was the cross. She was very concerned and even asked if Jesus got hurt on the cross. I told her that yes, he did. He died on the cross and then God saved him to show us how much He cares for us.

I then brought up the fact that we listen to music in the car and sing songs to Jesus. She has a cd that I keep in the car of worship music for kids. I told her that God likes when we sing to Him because it is a way that we show Him that we love Him by praising Him. She loves to sing in the car now and always asks to listen to "Here I am to Worship" over and over and over...... She is actually pretty good at this song. I love to hear her belt out the words, especially because she now knows there is a reason to sing praises.

Then she says to me, after singing with all of her heart.

Mommy, God likes it when we sing in the car!

That is enough to melt a mommy's heart. This is the reason I continue to take her to church and make sure that she knows God's love for her. I cannot create faith for her but I can introduce it to her and make sure she knows what it is and that it is an important and regular part of her little 4 year old world.

Do not be anxious about anything. (Phillipians 4:6)

"Quite a few Christians live in a terrible state of anxiety, constantly fretting over the concerns of life. The secret of living in perfect peace amid the hectic pace of daily life is one well worth knowing. What good has worrying ever accomplished? It has never made anyone stronger, helped anyone do God's will, or provided for anyone a way of escape out of their anxiety or confusion. Worry only destroys the effectiveness of lives that would otherwise be useful and beautiful. Being restless and having worries and cares are absolutely forbidden by our Lord, who said, "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'" (Matt. 6:31). He does not mean that we are not to think ahead or that life should never have a plan or pattern to it. He simply means that we are not to worry about these things.

People will know that you live in a constant state of anxiety by the lines on your face, and the tone of your voice, your negative attitude and lack of joy in your spirit. So scales the heights of a life abandoned to God, and your perspective will change to the point that you will look down on the clouds beneath your feet. Darlow Sargeant

It is a sign of weakness to always worry and fret, question everything and mistrust everyone. Can anything be gained by it? Don't we only make ourselves unfit for action, and separate our minds from the ability to make wise decisions? We simply sink in our struggles when we could float by faith.

Oh, for the grace to be silent! Oh, to "be still, and know that [Jehovah is] God" (Ps. 46:10)! "The Holy One of Israel" (Ps. 89:19) will defend and deliver His own. We can be sure that His every word will stand forever, even though the mountains may fall into the sea. He deserves our total confidence. So come, my soul, return to your place of peace, and rest within the sweet embrace of the Lord Jesus.

Peace your inmost soul will fill
When you're still!"
(From Streams in the Desert)

It is amazing how we worry and fret about everything that comes our way. I am no stranger to this and admitedly, have probably raised my own blood pressure due to the amount of stress and worrying I have placed on myself. While we would rather not have to face situations that cause worry, I think that God uses those situations to see how we will react. Will we draw closer to Him and trust in His plan? Will we hold onto things because we have a hard time trusing in Him and waiting patiently for Him to work as He sees fit? While it is easier said than done (and I will need the occasional reminder myself, I think it is time to let go. God has promised us He will take care of us. He has promised that we will be provided for. Why then is it so hard to do?

"Can I pray?"

Nothing warms a mothers heart more than when her 4 year old sits down to eat and asks if she can pray. (well I should not say that nothing warms my hear more but this is pretty special) We were sitting down to eat the other night and I told her it was time to pray. She asked "mommy, can I pray?" and promptly folded her hands and closed her eyes.

She thanked God for going to Auntie and Uncl's house. She thanked Him for going to preschool and she thanked Him for going to Nana and Papa's new house in Iowa. Then she thanked Him for the food and the time with mommy. Amen.

I feel blessed to have a pretty special little girl, who probably does not know why we pray or have the basic concept of why we thank God for things but she has a foundation for her own faith. She loves going to church and listening to her worship CD's in the car.

I am one lucky mommy.

"My Father is the gardener" John 15:1

"It is a comforting thought that trouble, in whatever form it comes to us, is a heavenly messenger that brings us something from God. Outwardly it may appear painful or even destructive, but inwardly its spiritual work produces blessings. Many of the richest blessings we have inherited are the fruit of sorrow or pain. We should never forget that redemption, the world's greatest blessing, is the fruit of the world's greatest sorrow. And whenever a time of deep pruning comes and the knife cuts deeply and the pain is severe, what an inexpressible comfort it is to know: "My Father is the gardener".

John Vincent, a Methodist Episcopal bishop of the late-nineteenth and early-twentieth centuries and a leader of the Sunday school movement in America, once told of being in a large greenhouse where clusters of luscious grapes were hanging on each side. The owner of the greenhouse told him, "When the new gardener came here, he said he would not work with the vines unless he could cut them completely down to the stalk. I allowed him to do so, and we had no grapes for two years, but this is the result."

There is rich symbolism in this account of the pruning process when applied to the Christian life. Pruning seems to be destroying the vine, and the gardener appears to be cutting everything away. Yet he sees the future and knows that the final result with be the enrichment of the life of the vine, and a greater abundance of fruit.

There are many blessings we will never receive until we are ready to pay the price of pain, for the path of suffering is the only way to reach them." J.R. Miller (from Streams in the Desert)

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
for all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
and ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.


Enough said. Sometimes we have to be brought to the bottom before we can be built up again. This is so important to remember through tough times when we question why things are happening.

Renee

Tested and Tried

"Dear tested and tried believer, it is your mission to walk onto the stage of this world in order to reveal to all of heaven and earth that the music of life lies not in your circumstances or external things but in your own soul" (from Streams in the Desert, September 28th)

Many people have asked me how I do what I do. I am now a single mom, I work full time and I am furthering my own education. It amazes me that how often I have been told "I do not know how you do it". Truth be told- there was a time that I wondered how I was going to do it too. How was I going to carry on? How was I going to continue despite the trials I have faced? There are still days I wonder......

But then I remember God's plan is not my plan. His timing is certainly not my timing and His path that He has mapped out for me is larger than I ever would have expected or been able to comprehend with my human mind. You see, God is so much bigger than the things that happen to us. He is doing things in our lives for a purpose. We might not understand why He does things or how His plan is going to play out but I strongly believe that He is in everything- WHEN WE ALLOW HIM IN.

Sure I questioned God when everything began to fall apart. I wondered where He was and I asked why this was happening to me. Then I realized that I had two choices in life: I could run away from God and live a life lost to worldly ways. OR I could draw close to Him and praise Him in everything that I encountered. I could choose to fight and live my life in accordance with His will. And that is what I did.

I fight. I continue on with my daily life and I trust that God will work out the details for me (it is called FAITH for a reason you know). Besides "when you have the God of the universe in your corner, why would you freak out?" (Pastor Peter Haas)

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" John 16:33

God never promised us that life would be easy. He tells us that we will face trouble and have trials from time to time. It is what we do in those time of trouble that matters.

Do not ask for an easier life

For anyone who has gone through difficult times there is usually one person that God sends your way to encourage you, to listen and to help you make sense of the world. This person that has been sent to me is my friend Erin. We are going through different but both very difficult situations almost simultaneously. One night we were talking after going to a friend's birthday/bonfire. It was a Friday night and we left the party late but then we talked forever, which seems to come naturally for us! Even after I got home, I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to open my devotional book, despite my extreme urge to go straight to bed. I listened because I thought this might be a good lesson for me, and it turned out to be just the thing I needed to hear based on the discussion we were having earlier that night. The following is the devotional from August 3rd in the book Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman.

"Never pray for an easier life - pray to be a stronger person! Never pray for tasks equal to your power - pray for power equal to your tasks. Then doing your work will be no miracle - YOU will be the miracle. Phillips Brooks

We must remember that Christ will not lead us to greatness through an easy or self-indulgent life. An easy life does not lift us up but only takes us down. Heaven is always above us, and we must continually be looking toward it.

Some people always avoid doing things that are costly, or things that require self-denial, self-restraint, and self-sacrifice. Yet it is hard work and difficulties that ultimately lead us to greatness, for greatness is not found by walking the moss-covered path laid out for us through the meadow. It is found by being sent to carve out our own path with our own hands.

Are you willing to sacrifice to reach the glorious mountain peaks of God's purpose for you?"

Be strong!
We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to life.
Shun not the struggle; face it.
It's God's gift.
Be strong!
Say not the days are evil- who's to blame?
Or fold your hands, as in defeat- O shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely,
In God's name.
Be strong!
It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day how long,
Faint not, fight on!
Tomorrow comes the song.
Maltbie D. Babcock


Whatever it is that you are going through, remember not to ask God to take the trials from your life. We must trudge through and give Him praise for the trials we face. This was something that I never really understood until I came upon May 27, 2008. I can even date my trials, how is that for precision? While I can date it and I can remember details that no one should ever have to bear in their lifetimes, it has also turned my life into what it is today. God is there and God is good. He will provide but we must be patient for His timing. Unfortunately many of us have problems with the patience aspect. That is why faith is so important.

Renee

Something's Gotta Give

So plans change. I have learned to live with that over the course of the past few years. I have learned that when people promise something or say they can do something- yeah, it is not guaranteed to happen. Most of all, I have learned that you cannot. trust. anyone.

yes, humans fail you. they fail you all the time and if you are not careful you will be hurt.

It just seems like at some point in my life something has to start getting better right? I know that God has a plan and so many people like to keep reminding me of this as well as the fact that in His time it will happen. The thing is that I am tired. I feel like everywhere I turn I get punched in the face and pushed over. I feel like everytime I have something figured out, something is bound to ruin it. I look at some people around me and do not get me wrong, I know that we all have our baggage and for many people, things always seem to be great on the outside because as humans we are too proud to admit when we are struggling with something. As Christians we are supposed to be perfect.... or are we?

I am not dumb and I do realize that those around me have their own set of struggles. But I also wonder if they realize how lucky they are. I feel like I have been dealt my own hand of bad cards for my life. I know others who are also in the "my life is certainly not where I want it to be" category. But what about those that are in that category and are able to live out their dreams? What about the ones who are happily married with children, no debt and are able to stay home to raise their kids? Well this is certainly not me. I just wonder if people realize how lucky they are. In a moment it can be taken away.

I just hope and pray that I finally someday before I die get my break. I hope I am able to live out my life. Being that I am almost 30 and in the position I am in, I doubt it but I can hope can't I?

Renee

You just never know

You think that you have your life figured out.

You think that you will live happily ever after.

You think that those promises that are spoken to you are forever.....

And then the hard reality hits you and you realize that this is far from the truth. Those dreams are gone, the happy thoughts are crushed and the dreams are pulled out from under you. Where do you begin to rebuild a life that once seemed so happy but has turned into a nightmare right in front of your very eyes? What do you do when that one person has moved on and left you in the dust without thinking of how their actions have selfishly affected those around them?

Sure sometimes it seems like a great thing would be to retaliate, to yell and throw a fit and place blame on the person that has put you in this position in the first place. When I think more about this, one of the above would not accomplish anything nor would it make anything better in the long run.

James 1:2-4 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".
Someone asked me once what this verse meant to me. I was not sure. Why should I be happy that I was suffering? Why should I have joy that I was facing the most difficult times in my life? My world had turned upside down and I was supposed to be happy? Yeah. Right.

As time has gone on I have finally discovered the real meaning behind this verse. When you think your world is gone and that life could not get worse, you have two choices. You can either give up and let the world win. Or you could fight back. You can turn to God to help you through one of the most difficult situations you have ever faced. As a believer, we are tested from time to time. Some of us more than others yes but we all face trials in our lives. The above two choices are the paths we must face in our walk with Him. We can walk away or we can cling to God for help. When we have those difficult moments and we choose to walk in faith, we are strengthening our walk. We are getting close to God while gaining strength with each passing day and learning to persevere through those hard times in our lives. This perseverance allows us to become complete and move on in life.

While the road has not been easy nor will it be from here on, I have chosen to fight. I chose to follow and cling to my faith. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about others. I have learned a lot about the power of deceit and how it can bring you down. I have also learned about the power and love that God has for His children. He loves us more than we know, even in the tough times when we are wondering why we cannot see Him. Those are the times that he is the closest to us but is just waiting for us to reach out.... to touch Him.... to claim that we are His children and ask for help.

I have my ups and downs. I have my good days and my bad days. The thing is that I have already walked through some of the deepest, darkest days of my life. How much lower can things get?

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

A friend recently said that the word plans is plural. God does not just choose one path for our life. He has many and will see us through to the end. This kind of love is never ending and the kind that sounds pretty good when you have lost what you thought was the best thing in the world. Turns out that nothing compares to the love of our Heavenly Father.

I am not saying I am perfectly fine. I am not saying that life will continue without disruption. Certainly I am hurt and my level of trust has been severely compromised. It may take a while but I do hope to find that one person that I was really meant to be with instead of lied to for years before discovering the real truth behind his actions and words. Do I regret? No. I have learned a lot about myself and I gained a beautiful daughter in the process. I may not be the best mom but she is a blessing I will never take for granted. This is just the beginning for me. I have the chance to start over and live my life. You better believe I am going to take it.

Blessings,
Renee

Blah

Yeah, pretty sure that sums up my mood lately. Just BLAH. Everything just seems to be coming to a head at this moment. Things should be great. I am on a break from school, I am not working for the summer, I am able to spend time with my kiddo. but for some reason things do not seem so great. Maybe it is because my parents are moving? I love that they are... I am so happy for them and that they are able to have this amazing opportunity. I just never realized how great I had it and how spoiled I was when I could just ask my parents to take my little for the evening. This is all going to change now and will affect me much more than I ever before realized.

Also I think I never really processed through the crap. I was so busy before that I just never took the time to realize what happened in my life. Sure I will be fine but the nasty feeling of having to work through it kind of sucks.

I will be fine and I will work through the change that is coming but it will be a transition. All the change at the same time may be just a little too overwhelming for me I guess.

Congratulations! (?) !

Upon finding out my recent name change to Johnson, what is the first word out of people's mouths? "Congratulations!" I have to laugh to myself when I then have to explain that I did not get married but I undid a marriage. They are most often struck with awe and disbelief and some are embarrassed because they do not know what to say next. In their awkwardness I tell them that it is okay and that they can still say congratulations to me. It is a good thing and my life has gone on. They nervously look at me and say "ok" before changing the subject.

So what is it that makes people say Congratulations right off the bat? Because I am only 29 years old? Because most people at work had no clue and many have told me they never knew I was going through anything like this? Because that is what you assume? Obviously for those that know my maiden name, they realize the change that took place but I had been a Bellenir for over 8 years so my identity for most people in my circles now is just that. The change to Johnson has been strange. Signing my name a different way, answering to a different name and going to change my name on every piece of identification I have! Kind of a strange process but it feels good to be a Johnson again.

The moral of this story? Do not assume that a name change is due to marriage....... While I am fine with people make the honest mistake, I know there are others who have worse situations and do not like when that error is made.

IHOP Trip!

So next weekend is already Memorial Day weekend. I cannot believe how fast the time has gone. I know I say that all the time but it is so true! I am going on a trip to IHOP in Kansas City. Now I know what many of you are thinking- why drive to IHOP for pancakes? No, not that IHOP- we are taking a trip to the International House Of Prayer (IHOP). I am so very excited for this trip. There are a handful of us going so far.

I am excited to spend time with friends, make new ones and above all... listen for God's voice and see what He has to say to me. Sometimes we get so busy in the everyday routine that we do not slow down and listen. I mean really listen. Stop. Take a moment. Pay attention and figure out what God wants to say to us. I just pray now that we would be protected as we travel and that we would all learn so much and take our own lessons away from the weekend. May He speak to us in ways we have never heard before while we discover what we need to over the long weekend.

Blessings,
Renee

Always time for uplifting

When you face difficult times in your life it is amazing how many people write you cards, send you notes or even devotional books that they themselves have found to be helpful in their past experiences. The following is an excerpt from a daily devotional book called "Streams in the desert" by L. B Cowman, updated by Jim Reimann.

May 27th: "Bring them here to me" (Matthew 14:18)

"Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill. If you correctly understand their meaning, you will see them as opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way.

The Lord is saying to you, "Bring them here to me". Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then the very trials that threatened to overcome you with discouragement and disaster will become God's opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before."

This is a powerful passage from this particular day that really sticks with me. As humans we are so fast to panic and want to fix things right here and right now. Our patience and ability to wait for God and His timing is amazing. We think that we know what is best for us. We think that we have all the answers and therefore we think that we can fix our situations. However this is not the case at all. We must give it up to God and wait...... Wait for Him to speak to us...... Wait for His timing..... Wait for God.......

God knows the plan for our lives. The trials we face make us often wonder why God sends us down the paths that he does as we struggle through our own desires and frustrations when things do not work out. It is in this time that we must wait. For myself, patience is a difficult thing. I know what I want. I want a family. I want a career. I want more children. Will God bless me with these things? I am not sure...... It is with patience I must wait and seek His will for my life.

Sunday already

I have made it to Sunday. Already it is Sunday after my surgery and I am contemplating whether or not to go back to work tomorrow. I am feeling okay but would definitely have to take things slow. My little also came home today and it is going to be hard to not be able to pick her up or play around with her like I usually do.

I am grateful for all of those that helped out- my little who went with her dad while I was laid up after surgery. And my parents who took me to the hospital, waited and then took me home to their house only to take over their room while I recovered for a few days before coming back home. It was strange coming home to an empty house only to realize there was no one there to take care of me. Not that I need someone at my beckon call but it is always nice to feel cared for and as though someone cares.

After a surgery getting back into the normal routine is hard. This is going to be tough as I realize that I need to slow down. I cannot lift anything too heavy or push myself too fast. If I do, I basically undo everything that was just done.

Ugh.... patience.... Ugh just waiting to see the plan that is laid out before me.... Ugh

Ramblings

Here I am again, up much too late for a work night. It is 11:23 PM on my computer clock. I remember when 10 seemed so late and yet I am seemingly into being much more of a night owl, which does not work so well when you work at a high school and your work day starts at 7:15.

I remember the days I would be in bed early. I remember the days I would not be in my bed alone. I remember the days that we would lay in bed and watch t.v. until we were ready to sleep. Yeah, those days are gone for me now. I hope to have them back again someday but only time will tell. I am also up late because I figure I am only working two days this week due to surgery so hey it is alright.... right? I am having surgery to repair a hernia in my stomach. Strange thing and I will be glad to get it taken care of and feel somewhat normal again. Funny thing is that I always said I was not feeling good because of the personal stuff I was experiencing but it was something medical. I guess I am not as crazy as I thought.

As I look towards this surgery it is strange though..... I should have my husband bringing me to the hospital and staying with me right? I should not have to be at home alone while I recover right? And yet I am..... Just another one of those I remember when moments.

Mother's Day was a little strange too. I hear stories of mother's being pampered by their husbands and kids doing nice things for them. Getting nice presents and a fun acknowledgment of what the day is. Not this year. Not for me anyways. Just another day in the routine. If it were not for the recognition with other mom's at church and the dinner with my parents then it would not have been acknowledged at all. I know I do not need to have someone celebrate me. I work hard and I know it and I do so because of how much I love my daughter. It is just yet another day in which I am reminded of where my path in life has taken me.

Not the path I would have chosen or the path that I thought I would find myself but nonetheless I am here. The hardest part? No one here really, I mean really knows. People try to offer support, and they do what they can but they cannot fathom what it is like. And more, I still feel like I get the disapproval from others...Those that have not walked in my shoes and yet, for some unknown reason, decide that they will not approve of the latest events in my life. I will not apologize as it is my life and I feel good about where I am and I will get through it. Then there are the ones that expect me to fall apart in their arms and cry about how awful life is. That is not the case. For one, I cry in front of very few people. And two, I have had two years to process this.... well whatever it is. It feels good to finally let go but also hard to realize there were years of lying that I was oblivious to.

Just some late night ramblings for you. I am not sure that anyone reads this blog anyways, and that is fine. It is a way for me to get words, thoughts and feelings out without having to go too far.

Blessings.

Where does the time go?

Time is a strange concept. There are days that an hour seems to drag on forever and yet when we stop and take a moment to reflect it is easy to wonder where the time has gone. I believe this is so much more true when we have walked through tough times and down the darkest roads of our lives. In my recent experiences I often wondered when it would be over. When I would take up from the nightmare that had become my life and realize it was all a bad dream. The truth is, it was my life and I was living it.

I look over the past 10 years and I think of the things I have accomplished and the person I have become. I look at my beautiful daughter and cannot help but praise God for her existence. I consider the fact that I completed my Bachelors degree and have come the majority of the way through my Master's degree and I cannot help but smile. While there were several dark moments in the last two years specifically, time has a way of healing as well.

We do not understand why we face the things we do. We want to question God and ask where He has been throughout it all. We want to blame Him for it all. We want to get mad at someone and He is the easy person to get mad at. Why did He let this happen? I remember someone at church praying over me during a prayer night during a Deeper session. That was a very powerful night for me. A person that I had met one time prior walked up behind me and said that she felt that God was speaking to her. To tell her to walk up to me and tell me that He loved me. That it was okay and that He was there. I broke down. I lost it in an emotional moment of amazement at God's love for me. Later on I received prayer and the counselor that prayed looked at me and reminded me that God is bigger than we are. We can get mad at Him and He will still be there after we vent. For me I never got mad at God but I walked away. It was the easy thing to do when I had been so hurt and felt so condemned by my family and friends and former friends who made me feel guilty for my situation.

I look over the events of the last two years. Of the horror that I experienced that fateful day when I first heard the words spoken to me. The brokenness I felt then and the feeling of strength I have now. It was a long journey from beginning to end but I do not think that it was a mistake that it took that long. I needed that time to be graceful in how I acted, responded and interacted in relation to the situation. God was there the entire time. He was holding my hand and pulling me up every time I fell back down. It was He that allowed the proper amount of time to pass before it ended. And am I ever glad the end is here. The hurt will always be there in a small way but I feel as though I can move on.

Time....Time can heal even the deepest of wounds and it has....