So plans change. I have learned to live with that over the course of the past few years. I have learned that when people promise something or say they can do something- yeah, it is not guaranteed to happen. Most of all, I have learned that you cannot. trust. anyone.
yes, humans fail you. they fail you all the time and if you are not careful you will be hurt.
It just seems like at some point in my life something has to start getting better right? I know that God has a plan and so many people like to keep reminding me of this as well as the fact that in His time it will happen. The thing is that I am tired. I feel like everywhere I turn I get punched in the face and pushed over. I feel like everytime I have something figured out, something is bound to ruin it. I look at some people around me and do not get me wrong, I know that we all have our baggage and for many people, things always seem to be great on the outside because as humans we are too proud to admit when we are struggling with something. As Christians we are supposed to be perfect.... or are we?
I am not dumb and I do realize that those around me have their own set of struggles. But I also wonder if they realize how lucky they are. I feel like I have been dealt my own hand of bad cards for my life. I know others who are also in the "my life is certainly not where I want it to be" category. But what about those that are in that category and are able to live out their dreams? What about the ones who are happily married with children, no debt and are able to stay home to raise their kids? Well this is certainly not me. I just wonder if people realize how lucky they are. In a moment it can be taken away.
I just hope and pray that I finally someday before I die get my break. I hope I am able to live out my life. Being that I am almost 30 and in the position I am in, I doubt it but I can hope can't I?
Renee
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
You just never know
You think that you have your life figured out.
You think that you will live happily ever after.
You think that those promises that are spoken to you are forever.....
And then the hard reality hits you and you realize that this is far from the truth. Those dreams are gone, the happy thoughts are crushed and the dreams are pulled out from under you. Where do you begin to rebuild a life that once seemed so happy but has turned into a nightmare right in front of your very eyes? What do you do when that one person has moved on and left you in the dust without thinking of how their actions have selfishly affected those around them?
Sure sometimes it seems like a great thing would be to retaliate, to yell and throw a fit and place blame on the person that has put you in this position in the first place. When I think more about this, one of the above would not accomplish anything nor would it make anything better in the long run.
James 1:2-4 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".
Someone asked me once what this verse meant to me. I was not sure. Why should I be happy that I was suffering? Why should I have joy that I was facing the most difficult times in my life? My world had turned upside down and I was supposed to be happy? Yeah. Right.
As time has gone on I have finally discovered the real meaning behind this verse. When you think your world is gone and that life could not get worse, you have two choices. You can either give up and let the world win. Or you could fight back. You can turn to God to help you through one of the most difficult situations you have ever faced. As a believer, we are tested from time to time. Some of us more than others yes but we all face trials in our lives. The above two choices are the paths we must face in our walk with Him. We can walk away or we can cling to God for help. When we have those difficult moments and we choose to walk in faith, we are strengthening our walk. We are getting close to God while gaining strength with each passing day and learning to persevere through those hard times in our lives. This perseverance allows us to become complete and move on in life.
While the road has not been easy nor will it be from here on, I have chosen to fight. I chose to follow and cling to my faith. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about others. I have learned a lot about the power of deceit and how it can bring you down. I have also learned about the power and love that God has for His children. He loves us more than we know, even in the tough times when we are wondering why we cannot see Him. Those are the times that he is the closest to us but is just waiting for us to reach out.... to touch Him.... to claim that we are His children and ask for help.
I have my ups and downs. I have my good days and my bad days. The thing is that I have already walked through some of the deepest, darkest days of my life. How much lower can things get?
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
A friend recently said that the word plans is plural. God does not just choose one path for our life. He has many and will see us through to the end. This kind of love is never ending and the kind that sounds pretty good when you have lost what you thought was the best thing in the world. Turns out that nothing compares to the love of our Heavenly Father.
I am not saying I am perfectly fine. I am not saying that life will continue without disruption. Certainly I am hurt and my level of trust has been severely compromised. It may take a while but I do hope to find that one person that I was really meant to be with instead of lied to for years before discovering the real truth behind his actions and words. Do I regret? No. I have learned a lot about myself and I gained a beautiful daughter in the process. I may not be the best mom but she is a blessing I will never take for granted. This is just the beginning for me. I have the chance to start over and live my life. You better believe I am going to take it.
Blessings,
Renee
You think that you will live happily ever after.
You think that those promises that are spoken to you are forever.....
And then the hard reality hits you and you realize that this is far from the truth. Those dreams are gone, the happy thoughts are crushed and the dreams are pulled out from under you. Where do you begin to rebuild a life that once seemed so happy but has turned into a nightmare right in front of your very eyes? What do you do when that one person has moved on and left you in the dust without thinking of how their actions have selfishly affected those around them?
Sure sometimes it seems like a great thing would be to retaliate, to yell and throw a fit and place blame on the person that has put you in this position in the first place. When I think more about this, one of the above would not accomplish anything nor would it make anything better in the long run.
James 1:2-4 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".
Someone asked me once what this verse meant to me. I was not sure. Why should I be happy that I was suffering? Why should I have joy that I was facing the most difficult times in my life? My world had turned upside down and I was supposed to be happy? Yeah. Right.
As time has gone on I have finally discovered the real meaning behind this verse. When you think your world is gone and that life could not get worse, you have two choices. You can either give up and let the world win. Or you could fight back. You can turn to God to help you through one of the most difficult situations you have ever faced. As a believer, we are tested from time to time. Some of us more than others yes but we all face trials in our lives. The above two choices are the paths we must face in our walk with Him. We can walk away or we can cling to God for help. When we have those difficult moments and we choose to walk in faith, we are strengthening our walk. We are getting close to God while gaining strength with each passing day and learning to persevere through those hard times in our lives. This perseverance allows us to become complete and move on in life.
While the road has not been easy nor will it be from here on, I have chosen to fight. I chose to follow and cling to my faith. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about others. I have learned a lot about the power of deceit and how it can bring you down. I have also learned about the power and love that God has for His children. He loves us more than we know, even in the tough times when we are wondering why we cannot see Him. Those are the times that he is the closest to us but is just waiting for us to reach out.... to touch Him.... to claim that we are His children and ask for help.
I have my ups and downs. I have my good days and my bad days. The thing is that I have already walked through some of the deepest, darkest days of my life. How much lower can things get?
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
A friend recently said that the word plans is plural. God does not just choose one path for our life. He has many and will see us through to the end. This kind of love is never ending and the kind that sounds pretty good when you have lost what you thought was the best thing in the world. Turns out that nothing compares to the love of our Heavenly Father.
I am not saying I am perfectly fine. I am not saying that life will continue without disruption. Certainly I am hurt and my level of trust has been severely compromised. It may take a while but I do hope to find that one person that I was really meant to be with instead of lied to for years before discovering the real truth behind his actions and words. Do I regret? No. I have learned a lot about myself and I gained a beautiful daughter in the process. I may not be the best mom but she is a blessing I will never take for granted. This is just the beginning for me. I have the chance to start over and live my life. You better believe I am going to take it.
Blessings,
Renee
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Blah
Yeah, pretty sure that sums up my mood lately. Just BLAH. Everything just seems to be coming to a head at this moment. Things should be great. I am on a break from school, I am not working for the summer, I am able to spend time with my kiddo. but for some reason things do not seem so great. Maybe it is because my parents are moving? I love that they are... I am so happy for them and that they are able to have this amazing opportunity. I just never realized how great I had it and how spoiled I was when I could just ask my parents to take my little for the evening. This is all going to change now and will affect me much more than I ever before realized.
Also I think I never really processed through the crap. I was so busy before that I just never took the time to realize what happened in my life. Sure I will be fine but the nasty feeling of having to work through it kind of sucks.
I will be fine and I will work through the change that is coming but it will be a transition. All the change at the same time may be just a little too overwhelming for me I guess.
Also I think I never really processed through the crap. I was so busy before that I just never took the time to realize what happened in my life. Sure I will be fine but the nasty feeling of having to work through it kind of sucks.
I will be fine and I will work through the change that is coming but it will be a transition. All the change at the same time may be just a little too overwhelming for me I guess.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Congratulations! (?) !
Upon finding out my recent name change to Johnson, what is the first word out of people's mouths? "Congratulations!" I have to laugh to myself when I then have to explain that I did not get married but I undid a marriage. They are most often struck with awe and disbelief and some are embarrassed because they do not know what to say next. In their awkwardness I tell them that it is okay and that they can still say congratulations to me. It is a good thing and my life has gone on. They nervously look at me and say "ok" before changing the subject.
So what is it that makes people say Congratulations right off the bat? Because I am only 29 years old? Because most people at work had no clue and many have told me they never knew I was going through anything like this? Because that is what you assume? Obviously for those that know my maiden name, they realize the change that took place but I had been a Bellenir for over 8 years so my identity for most people in my circles now is just that. The change to Johnson has been strange. Signing my name a different way, answering to a different name and going to change my name on every piece of identification I have! Kind of a strange process but it feels good to be a Johnson again.
The moral of this story? Do not assume that a name change is due to marriage....... While I am fine with people make the honest mistake, I know there are others who have worse situations and do not like when that error is made.
So what is it that makes people say Congratulations right off the bat? Because I am only 29 years old? Because most people at work had no clue and many have told me they never knew I was going through anything like this? Because that is what you assume? Obviously for those that know my maiden name, they realize the change that took place but I had been a Bellenir for over 8 years so my identity for most people in my circles now is just that. The change to Johnson has been strange. Signing my name a different way, answering to a different name and going to change my name on every piece of identification I have! Kind of a strange process but it feels good to be a Johnson again.
The moral of this story? Do not assume that a name change is due to marriage....... While I am fine with people make the honest mistake, I know there are others who have worse situations and do not like when that error is made.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
IHOP Trip!
So next weekend is already Memorial Day weekend. I cannot believe how fast the time has gone. I know I say that all the time but it is so true! I am going on a trip to IHOP in Kansas City. Now I know what many of you are thinking- why drive to IHOP for pancakes? No, not that IHOP- we are taking a trip to the International House Of Prayer (IHOP). I am so very excited for this trip. There are a handful of us going so far.
I am excited to spend time with friends, make new ones and above all... listen for God's voice and see what He has to say to me. Sometimes we get so busy in the everyday routine that we do not slow down and listen. I mean really listen. Stop. Take a moment. Pay attention and figure out what God wants to say to us. I just pray now that we would be protected as we travel and that we would all learn so much and take our own lessons away from the weekend. May He speak to us in ways we have never heard before while we discover what we need to over the long weekend.
Blessings,
Renee
I am excited to spend time with friends, make new ones and above all... listen for God's voice and see what He has to say to me. Sometimes we get so busy in the everyday routine that we do not slow down and listen. I mean really listen. Stop. Take a moment. Pay attention and figure out what God wants to say to us. I just pray now that we would be protected as we travel and that we would all learn so much and take our own lessons away from the weekend. May He speak to us in ways we have never heard before while we discover what we need to over the long weekend.
Blessings,
Renee
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Always time for uplifting
When you face difficult times in your life it is amazing how many people write you cards, send you notes or even devotional books that they themselves have found to be helpful in their past experiences. The following is an excerpt from a daily devotional book called "Streams in the desert" by L. B Cowman, updated by Jim Reimann.
May 27th: "Bring them here to me" (Matthew 14:18)
"Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill. If you correctly understand their meaning, you will see them as opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way.
The Lord is saying to you, "Bring them here to me". Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then the very trials that threatened to overcome you with discouragement and disaster will become God's opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before."
This is a powerful passage from this particular day that really sticks with me. As humans we are so fast to panic and want to fix things right here and right now. Our patience and ability to wait for God and His timing is amazing. We think that we know what is best for us. We think that we have all the answers and therefore we think that we can fix our situations. However this is not the case at all. We must give it up to God and wait...... Wait for Him to speak to us...... Wait for His timing..... Wait for God.......
God knows the plan for our lives. The trials we face make us often wonder why God sends us down the paths that he does as we struggle through our own desires and frustrations when things do not work out. It is in this time that we must wait. For myself, patience is a difficult thing. I know what I want. I want a family. I want a career. I want more children. Will God bless me with these things? I am not sure...... It is with patience I must wait and seek His will for my life.
May 27th: "Bring them here to me" (Matthew 14:18)
"Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill. If you correctly understand their meaning, you will see them as opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way.
The Lord is saying to you, "Bring them here to me". Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then the very trials that threatened to overcome you with discouragement and disaster will become God's opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before."
This is a powerful passage from this particular day that really sticks with me. As humans we are so fast to panic and want to fix things right here and right now. Our patience and ability to wait for God and His timing is amazing. We think that we know what is best for us. We think that we have all the answers and therefore we think that we can fix our situations. However this is not the case at all. We must give it up to God and wait...... Wait for Him to speak to us...... Wait for His timing..... Wait for God.......
God knows the plan for our lives. The trials we face make us often wonder why God sends us down the paths that he does as we struggle through our own desires and frustrations when things do not work out. It is in this time that we must wait. For myself, patience is a difficult thing. I know what I want. I want a family. I want a career. I want more children. Will God bless me with these things? I am not sure...... It is with patience I must wait and seek His will for my life.
Sunday already
I have made it to Sunday. Already it is Sunday after my surgery and I am contemplating whether or not to go back to work tomorrow. I am feeling okay but would definitely have to take things slow. My little also came home today and it is going to be hard to not be able to pick her up or play around with her like I usually do.
I am grateful for all of those that helped out- my little who went with her dad while I was laid up after surgery. And my parents who took me to the hospital, waited and then took me home to their house only to take over their room while I recovered for a few days before coming back home. It was strange coming home to an empty house only to realize there was no one there to take care of me. Not that I need someone at my beckon call but it is always nice to feel cared for and as though someone cares.
After a surgery getting back into the normal routine is hard. This is going to be tough as I realize that I need to slow down. I cannot lift anything too heavy or push myself too fast. If I do, I basically undo everything that was just done.
Ugh.... patience.... Ugh just waiting to see the plan that is laid out before me.... Ugh
I am grateful for all of those that helped out- my little who went with her dad while I was laid up after surgery. And my parents who took me to the hospital, waited and then took me home to their house only to take over their room while I recovered for a few days before coming back home. It was strange coming home to an empty house only to realize there was no one there to take care of me. Not that I need someone at my beckon call but it is always nice to feel cared for and as though someone cares.
After a surgery getting back into the normal routine is hard. This is going to be tough as I realize that I need to slow down. I cannot lift anything too heavy or push myself too fast. If I do, I basically undo everything that was just done.
Ugh.... patience.... Ugh just waiting to see the plan that is laid out before me.... Ugh
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