Ramblings

Here I am again, up much too late for a work night. It is 11:23 PM on my computer clock. I remember when 10 seemed so late and yet I am seemingly into being much more of a night owl, which does not work so well when you work at a high school and your work day starts at 7:15.

I remember the days I would be in bed early. I remember the days I would not be in my bed alone. I remember the days that we would lay in bed and watch t.v. until we were ready to sleep. Yeah, those days are gone for me now. I hope to have them back again someday but only time will tell. I am also up late because I figure I am only working two days this week due to surgery so hey it is alright.... right? I am having surgery to repair a hernia in my stomach. Strange thing and I will be glad to get it taken care of and feel somewhat normal again. Funny thing is that I always said I was not feeling good because of the personal stuff I was experiencing but it was something medical. I guess I am not as crazy as I thought.

As I look towards this surgery it is strange though..... I should have my husband bringing me to the hospital and staying with me right? I should not have to be at home alone while I recover right? And yet I am..... Just another one of those I remember when moments.

Mother's Day was a little strange too. I hear stories of mother's being pampered by their husbands and kids doing nice things for them. Getting nice presents and a fun acknowledgment of what the day is. Not this year. Not for me anyways. Just another day in the routine. If it were not for the recognition with other mom's at church and the dinner with my parents then it would not have been acknowledged at all. I know I do not need to have someone celebrate me. I work hard and I know it and I do so because of how much I love my daughter. It is just yet another day in which I am reminded of where my path in life has taken me.

Not the path I would have chosen or the path that I thought I would find myself but nonetheless I am here. The hardest part? No one here really, I mean really knows. People try to offer support, and they do what they can but they cannot fathom what it is like. And more, I still feel like I get the disapproval from others...Those that have not walked in my shoes and yet, for some unknown reason, decide that they will not approve of the latest events in my life. I will not apologize as it is my life and I feel good about where I am and I will get through it. Then there are the ones that expect me to fall apart in their arms and cry about how awful life is. That is not the case. For one, I cry in front of very few people. And two, I have had two years to process this.... well whatever it is. It feels good to finally let go but also hard to realize there were years of lying that I was oblivious to.

Just some late night ramblings for you. I am not sure that anyone reads this blog anyways, and that is fine. It is a way for me to get words, thoughts and feelings out without having to go too far.

Blessings.