Time is a strange concept. There are days that an hour seems to drag on forever and yet when we stop and take a moment to reflect it is easy to wonder where the time has gone. I believe this is so much more true when we have walked through tough times and down the darkest roads of our lives. In my recent experiences I often wondered when it would be over. When I would take up from the nightmare that had become my life and realize it was all a bad dream. The truth is, it was my life and I was living it.
I look over the past 10 years and I think of the things I have accomplished and the person I have become. I look at my beautiful daughter and cannot help but praise God for her existence. I consider the fact that I completed my Bachelors degree and have come the majority of the way through my Master's degree and I cannot help but smile. While there were several dark moments in the last two years specifically, time has a way of healing as well.
We do not understand why we face the things we do. We want to question God and ask where He has been throughout it all. We want to blame Him for it all. We want to get mad at someone and He is the easy person to get mad at. Why did He let this happen? I remember someone at church praying over me during a prayer night during a Deeper session. That was a very powerful night for me. A person that I had met one time prior walked up behind me and said that she felt that God was speaking to her. To tell her to walk up to me and tell me that He loved me. That it was okay and that He was there. I broke down. I lost it in an emotional moment of amazement at God's love for me. Later on I received prayer and the counselor that prayed looked at me and reminded me that God is bigger than we are. We can get mad at Him and He will still be there after we vent. For me I never got mad at God but I walked away. It was the easy thing to do when I had been so hurt and felt so condemned by my family and friends and former friends who made me feel guilty for my situation.
I look over the events of the last two years. Of the horror that I experienced that fateful day when I first heard the words spoken to me. The brokenness I felt then and the feeling of strength I have now. It was a long journey from beginning to end but I do not think that it was a mistake that it took that long. I needed that time to be graceful in how I acted, responded and interacted in relation to the situation. God was there the entire time. He was holding my hand and pulling me up every time I fell back down. It was He that allowed the proper amount of time to pass before it ended. And am I ever glad the end is here. The hurt will always be there in a small way but I feel as though I can move on.
Time....Time can heal even the deepest of wounds and it has....
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Looking Back
For some reason my birthday always makes me think about things like where I am in my life, where I have been and where I am headed. This year in particular is of importance because I am turning 29. I know, 29 is not generally considered a huge birthday for many. It is not for me either but it signifies the last year I will be in my 20's. Another decade gone. And wow has this past decade been a tough one.
My brother got married ten years ago this past week and that was one of the first dates that I went on with my ex. You know the rest of the story so I am not going to go into detail. As I approach my 29th birthday on Monday I hope that my next 10 years turn out better than my last ended up. Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for who I am and I am darn proud of the person I have become and the road that lies ahead for me professionally. I have stretched myself farther than I would have ever imagined possible. I now manage being a single mom who works full time and also maintains a 4.0 GPA in graduate school. That is a major accomplishment for me that no one will ever be able to take from me.
Throughout my experiences over the last two years I have learned a lot about myself and realize the power that lies within. I overcame the most difficult times that many could ever imagine (I know this because people have told me so). I stayed on my path for my education which is also something that people told me to give up. They told me to quit, to focus on my family and not worry about my career. The thing is that I believe my family was going to end up where it is today regardless of what I did. Pursuing my education allowed me to grow as an individual as I began to see what I was capable of and be okay with where I am now in my life.
I do not say these things to make people feel bad for me or think that I regret my last ten years. Without the last ten years I would not have my daughter to love and who loves me in return. Without the last ten years I would not have been able to realize the inner strength that I never knew I had and without the last ten years I would have never been prepared to handle the present and to walk through it with my head up high. I know that many do not agree with the outcome but after much thought, prayer and heartache, God told me it was okay to let go. I fought and I fought hard but in the end it was not going to last. In a recent sermon series at church, Pastor Peter said "God often knows that something is going to be a disaster and He lets it happen anyways".
So, yes, when I am sitting here a few days before turning 29 I hope I can look back and see a better end result on my 30's than I can on my 20's. But I can honestly say that I have no regret and I move on with confidence for my future and for the future of my daughter.
Blessings,
Renee
My brother got married ten years ago this past week and that was one of the first dates that I went on with my ex. You know the rest of the story so I am not going to go into detail. As I approach my 29th birthday on Monday I hope that my next 10 years turn out better than my last ended up. Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for who I am and I am darn proud of the person I have become and the road that lies ahead for me professionally. I have stretched myself farther than I would have ever imagined possible. I now manage being a single mom who works full time and also maintains a 4.0 GPA in graduate school. That is a major accomplishment for me that no one will ever be able to take from me.
Throughout my experiences over the last two years I have learned a lot about myself and realize the power that lies within. I overcame the most difficult times that many could ever imagine (I know this because people have told me so). I stayed on my path for my education which is also something that people told me to give up. They told me to quit, to focus on my family and not worry about my career. The thing is that I believe my family was going to end up where it is today regardless of what I did. Pursuing my education allowed me to grow as an individual as I began to see what I was capable of and be okay with where I am now in my life.
I do not say these things to make people feel bad for me or think that I regret my last ten years. Without the last ten years I would not have my daughter to love and who loves me in return. Without the last ten years I would not have been able to realize the inner strength that I never knew I had and without the last ten years I would have never been prepared to handle the present and to walk through it with my head up high. I know that many do not agree with the outcome but after much thought, prayer and heartache, God told me it was okay to let go. I fought and I fought hard but in the end it was not going to last. In a recent sermon series at church, Pastor Peter said "God often knows that something is going to be a disaster and He lets it happen anyways".
So, yes, when I am sitting here a few days before turning 29 I hope I can look back and see a better end result on my 30's than I can on my 20's. But I can honestly say that I have no regret and I move on with confidence for my future and for the future of my daughter.
Blessings,
Renee
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter
Easter is such a wonderful time of the year. Especially if you live in Minnesota, or another northern state for that matter. Why you ask? Because it is Spring time. The winter blahs are able to get out of our system, the weather is getting warmer and we are able to start enjoying the outdoors again. Of course mother nature can be unpredictable and give us snow or cold temperatures from time to time but for the most part it is wonderful.
Today is Easter and was again celebrated by going to church, a visit from the Easter bunny and great food with family. The weather was picture perfect with blue skies, sunshine and high temperatures in the 60's. A picture perfect day really. Amidst the on again, off again regularity of little miss attending church throughout her almost 4 years of life, I want to start to instill in her a sense of why we celebrate Christmas and Easter. It is so much more than the visits from the jolly man that comes down our chimneys and leaves piles of presents or Mr. E Bunny who mysteriously leaves large amounts of candy and gifts for us to enjoy.
Out of curiosity I asked hwe if she knew why we celebrate Easter. Knowing her response would be "yes mommy" I began to explain because I knew she would not be able to answer me when I asked her why we celebrate this important Holiday. I told her about the love that God has for us. I explained that Easter is a time that we celebrate because Jesus died for our sins, was raised from the dead and forgives us of when we do things we should not do. I ask her often who loves her and her standard response is "mommy and daddy do". I explained that while mommy and daddy loves her with all our hearts, that God loves her way more than we ever could. She was very quiet in the back seat of the car as we drove to church. I was not exactly sure if she grasped this concept or not.
We went throughout our day, enjoying Sunday School, the beautiful weather and fun times with her cousins, nana and papa and aunties and uncle. On our way home she heard someone on the radio (KTIS) say that we celebrate Easter. She said "mommy, did she say Easter?" to which I replied with a simple "yes". She then proceeded to relay the information back to me from the conversation we had in the car close to 12 hours earlier. She told me that "we celebrate Easter because Jesus died on the cross and he was happy when Easter came, and God loves us". This put a large smile on my face as I realized that she had been listening and understood even a small, yet so important part of it. My almost 4 year old told me why we celebrate Easter and it was not an answer that included anything regarding the bunny that had come and left her candy the night before.
This places a large smile on my face even as I recall it later on. Of of my favorite worship songs is "Stronger". The most important words of the song are "You are stronger, You are stronger, sin is broken you have saved me. It is written, Christ is Risen, Jesus you are Lord of all" Here is a link to You Tube that shows Hillsong performing it. One of my favorite songs and I was so happy to hear the intro after the message this morning at church. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0
Happy Easter to my family and friends. No matter what you are facing today, remember that He is risen and is Lord of all.
Blessings
Today is Easter and was again celebrated by going to church, a visit from the Easter bunny and great food with family. The weather was picture perfect with blue skies, sunshine and high temperatures in the 60's. A picture perfect day really. Amidst the on again, off again regularity of little miss attending church throughout her almost 4 years of life, I want to start to instill in her a sense of why we celebrate Christmas and Easter. It is so much more than the visits from the jolly man that comes down our chimneys and leaves piles of presents or Mr. E Bunny who mysteriously leaves large amounts of candy and gifts for us to enjoy.
Out of curiosity I asked hwe if she knew why we celebrate Easter. Knowing her response would be "yes mommy" I began to explain because I knew she would not be able to answer me when I asked her why we celebrate this important Holiday. I told her about the love that God has for us. I explained that Easter is a time that we celebrate because Jesus died for our sins, was raised from the dead and forgives us of when we do things we should not do. I ask her often who loves her and her standard response is "mommy and daddy do". I explained that while mommy and daddy loves her with all our hearts, that God loves her way more than we ever could. She was very quiet in the back seat of the car as we drove to church. I was not exactly sure if she grasped this concept or not.
We went throughout our day, enjoying Sunday School, the beautiful weather and fun times with her cousins, nana and papa and aunties and uncle. On our way home she heard someone on the radio (KTIS) say that we celebrate Easter. She said "mommy, did she say Easter?" to which I replied with a simple "yes". She then proceeded to relay the information back to me from the conversation we had in the car close to 12 hours earlier. She told me that "we celebrate Easter because Jesus died on the cross and he was happy when Easter came, and God loves us". This put a large smile on my face as I realized that she had been listening and understood even a small, yet so important part of it. My almost 4 year old told me why we celebrate Easter and it was not an answer that included anything regarding the bunny that had come and left her candy the night before.
This places a large smile on my face even as I recall it later on. Of of my favorite worship songs is "Stronger". The most important words of the song are "You are stronger, You are stronger, sin is broken you have saved me. It is written, Christ is Risen, Jesus you are Lord of all" Here is a link to You Tube that shows Hillsong performing it. One of my favorite songs and I was so happy to hear the intro after the message this morning at church. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv55FMjeMV0
Happy Easter to my family and friends. No matter what you are facing today, remember that He is risen and is Lord of all.
Blessings
Back to it
So when my little was first born we had a family blog used to keep everyone posted about her, how fast she was growing up and our lives in general. Now this idea has taken on a new meaning and it will be a blog about myself, her and a place for me to share my feelings for others to read or at least for me to get them out in some form. I am not sure how often this will get updated but we shall see. I will do my best but then again there are no promises.
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