I am definitely finding myself in a slump lately and cannot figure out why. If I had to guess I would say that I am processing past events and really starting to see my reality. Since becoming single again I have been focused on school and being a mom that I have barely had a chance to really think about my new normal. And it certainly looks different than what I would have thought.
In a few short months I will be graduating from grad school with a masters degree. This in itself is a miracle as I was never one to continue school beyond high school graduation. Gradually though I realized the importance and saw opportunities come my way and doors being opened. I am now ten weeks from completion of my final grad class and very much looking forward to what lies beyond.. or am I?
Many people in my situation would be planning on the next family vacation, the next baby they were going to have or the big celebratory party for accomplishments reached. Myself on the other hand will be alone to raise my daughter, looking for jobs to begin my new career and still waiting and wondering when my life is going to start. In 2001 when I said I do I thought that would be forever and I would be able to count on that forever however this is no longer my reality. I have been hiding my disappointment and hurt because it is easier. I stayed busy with school, work and my child that my pending future was but a distant thought.
I am not even sure what normal is anymore. Growing up I saw myself happily married, a few kids, a job and spending time with family and friends as a normal part of life. I no longer have that but I see so many people around me enjoying those things that I so longed for. Will they come for me? Maybe. But as I get older and the prospects are not showing up I am wondering if my plan has to change. I might not be able to have more kids. I might not be going on family vacations or romantic getaways. Instead I see the possibility of living through the stories of others who are able to enjoy those things that I had and then lost.
I am not sure if people know what they have until they lose it. I have heard this said before and I am thinking there is a lot of truth in it. Now as I struggle I try to find peace in God and His word.
I ask Him to guide my life.
If this is my new normal I ask Him to help me make sense of it and change my heart and my desires. This is certainly not what I had envisioned my life to be and I have a feeling with this new chapter of my life without school if my reality is about to come crashing in on me.
