Surrender- A new understanding

SURRENDER

 

 

This word has taken on new meaning in my life. As I look over the last few years I realize how difficult things have been for me. In every aspect of my life from the physical and emotional, to the relational, financial and mental...... each part of me has had to undergo a dramatic transformation to deal with and move on from the situations I have been faced with. It is no secret that my life is not what I would have expected it would be. Nor is it a surprise to anyone that I have struggled with this idea over the past few years as I have come to accept my new reality. In this however, I have also come to the realization that I am exactly where God wants and needs me to be. He has control and will take care of me in the process of getting me to the next step.

 

 

I have tried to lift my concerns to the Lord and ask for help but in true fashion I always take them back and think I can handle it on my own. The truth is that God does not work like that. We have to be willing and ready to surrender ourselves... our circumstances... our thoughts... our lives to Him in order for Him to really work in our lives and bless us the way He has planned. It is not in our timing but God's and that is often a hard concept to accept. My life circumstances are not what I would have chosen but as I look back I can see how I have been molded into a different person. God has been at work in my life even when I was not able to see Him and has been pouring blessings on me despite my lack of faith and unwillingness to look at those ways in which He was providing for me.

 

 

I feel God working to this day in my life and I am excited to see it come to fruition. What He has planned, only time will tell but I am excited to see the path He has made for me. I am not sure how long it will take but I am content to wait for I know it will be better than I would have ever dreamed.

 

 

I am ready to surrender my life to fully knowing Him.

What is normal?

I am definitely finding myself in a slump lately and cannot figure out why. If I had to guess I would say that I am processing past events and really starting to see my reality. Since becoming single again I have been focused on school and being a mom that I have barely had a chance to really think about my new normal. And it certainly looks different than what I would have thought.

In a few short months I will be graduating from grad school with a masters degree. This in itself is a miracle as I was never one to continue school beyond high school graduation. Gradually though I realized the importance and saw opportunities come my way and doors being opened. I am now ten weeks from completion of my final grad class and very much looking forward to what lies beyond.. or am I?

Many people in my situation would be planning on the next family vacation, the next baby they were going to have or the big celebratory party for accomplishments reached. Myself on the other hand will be alone to raise my daughter, looking for jobs to begin my new career and still waiting and wondering when my life is going to start. In 2001 when I said I do I thought that would be forever and I would be able to count on that forever however this is no longer my reality. I have been hiding my disappointment and hurt because it is easier. I stayed busy with school, work and my child that my pending future was but a distant thought.

I am not even sure what normal is anymore. Growing up I saw myself happily married, a few kids, a job and spending time with family and friends as a normal part of life. I no longer have that but I see so many people around me enjoying those things that I so longed for. Will they come for me? Maybe. But as I get older and the prospects are not showing up I am wondering if my plan has to change. I might not be able to have more kids. I might not be going on family vacations or romantic getaways. Instead I see the possibility of living through the stories of others who are able to enjoy those things that I had and then lost.

I am not sure if people know what they have until they lose it. I have heard this said before and I am thinking there is a lot of truth in it. Now as I struggle I try to find peace in God and His word.

I ask Him to guide my life.

If this is my new normal I ask Him to help me make sense of it and change my heart and my desires. This is certainly not what I had envisioned my life to be and I have a feeling with this new chapter of my life without school if my reality is about to come crashing in on me.